Wait!!! Before you make a big change in your appearance, take a little time to consider who you really want to be.

At one time or another, sometimes a lot of the time, we all fantasize about being someone other than who we are. We want to be thinner, richer, smarter, happier, more famous, more peaceful, more sexy. But try as we might, we’re never satisfied.

What’s the problem? Lack of self-confidence. Virtually everyone on the face of the earth lacks self-confidence to some degree. And it’s not just those obviously insecure or shy people. Often the toughest seeming sorts suffer the greatest lack of self-esteem. Their toughness is merely an act masking their inner insecurity.

Now, here’s the really difficult question: what is self-confidence? What is self-esteem? The answer seems obvious: it’s knowing exactly who I am, knowing how others see me, and liking myself. The problem with these sort of self-conceptions, however, is that they’re a pretense, they’re not reality. Who you are – who I am – changes every second. Even the very cells of our body are continually dying off and being reborn. Similarly, how others see us is not a fixed thing. Since we change, others see us differently from time to time. And they, too, are changing by the second, and their view of you changes.

So how can you be confident in something (your identity) that’s never the same from one moment to the next?

Good question. The fact is, it’s a waste of time. It’s commonly said that people must have self-esteem. It never works, though, because it means holding onto an image of a fixed self, an unchanging self, that simply does not exist. And because it’s false, holding on causes pain since deep down we know it just ain’t so. But we keep struggling to maintain this set image of ourselves, and so we keep getting disappointed. The truth is that in life sometimes we feel secure, and sometimes we worry. Sometimes we’re healthy and strong, and sometimes we’re weak and sick. Sometimes, we think we’re beautiful, and sometimes we think we’re dog ugly.

So the changes we make in our life or our look make us happy one moment and disappointed the next. Which is why we’re never satisfied. It’s just like wanting and wanting to buy something – a new music player, a new car, a new house. But after we finally have it, soon enough we’re not satisfied again. We want something else, something bigger, better, newer.

How, then, can we get out of this trap? And it is a trap, because we keep trying to be something we aren’t. How can we ever be satisfied?

Here’s the secret (not so secret and certainly not original). Let go of the idea that you – that I – am a fixed identity. Stop struggling to be someone in particular. Trust simply that you are here, part of this world, interacting at every instant, constantly being and becoming. In a sense, each of us is nothing more than a mirror, reflecting everything and everyone around us. Our true identity is our connection and our active interrelationship with everything and everyone else, all changing by the instant.

Gradually let go of a fixed sense of self and live actively in relationship. And gradually you will cease worrying so much about who you are and find true self-confidence. And then, if you do decide to change your appearance, you’ll do it in sheer fun and enjoyment. Not out of desperation to be someone you aren’t.

Gareth Sirotnik
Writer, consultant, Buddhist monk
Author, Words Become You
Photo by Steven Lemay